


I'm Lonely Again Tonight

by noonaofdarkness



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, M/M, Romance, Slice of Life, break up make up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-05
Updated: 2016-01-05
Packaged: 2018-08-10 02:57:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7827670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/noonaofdarkness/pseuds/noonaofdarkness
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jongdae wonders when the ring on his finger began to feel so heavy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm Lonely Again Tonight

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written for SNCJ Secret Santa 2015 round. Title taken from Missy Higgin's "Wrong Girl."

* * *

 

Jongdae watches his hand move in practiced swipes around the table he’s just cleared. The afternoon rush will pick up soon at Cafe Namu and he has to make sure the tables are in perfect order for the doctors’ wives who arrive promptly at three every Wednesday afternoon.

He hums along to the instrumental music playing through the speakers -- a playlist Joonmyun had made for him for the grand re-opening -- when his eyes fall to the ring on his left hand. He watches as it catches the light, glistening like a secret promise.

Jongdae smiles half heartedly, wondering -- not for the first time -- when the little gold band started feeling so heavy on his finger.

Perhaps it was when Joonmyun took his own off to leave on the nightstand while he went to work. Or maybe it was when Joonmyun was promoted to Chair of his department and started working later and later, their schedules falling more out of sync with each passing week.

Jongdae sighs, moving the rag to cover his hand, obscuring the ring from his own view as he finishes up.

The door chimes moments later, pulling Jongdae’s attention from the empty table to the now occupied entryway.

“Semi weekly delivery. Extra Red Velvet cupcakes a la Mrs. Choi’s not so subtle demands,” Minseok greets, his arms full of mint green delivery boxes. Jongdae catches a wiff of something sweet, meaning the pastries are fresh.

“You never let me down,” Jongdae singsongs as he abandons the rag on the table and returns to his perch behind the counter.

Jongdae busies himself preparing Minseok’s double Americano while Minseok sets the boxes on the counter and begins to unload the pastries.

“Those smell so good, Mrs Choi will be lucky if there’s any left by the time she gets here,” Jongdae eyes the pastries. Minseok really is the best baker in town -- and he’s not just saying that because they’ve been friends since middle school.

Minseok chuckles. He pulls a piece paper from his pocket and begins double checking the delivery list with the pastries set on the counter.

“Ever think that you and I chose our careers backwards?” Jongdae muses while he packs the espresso grounds, “What with me being a lover of sweets, and you being a caffeine addict and all.”

Minseok looks up from his list incredulously. “Perhaps. If I didn’t burn the milk every time. And you, me _and_ the fire department know you can’t bake to save your life.”

“That was one time,” Jongdae groans, remembering the stern look on Captain Siwon’s face as he reprimanded Jongdae after his first and only attempt to bake pastries in the cafe’s kitchen. “And I maintain it was a slow day for them and they had nothing better to do than antagonize me for setting off my own fire alarm. Nothing was charred aside from a few cookies.”

“Jongdae,” Minseok clicks his tongue, “Even Joonmyun couldn’t stomach the brownies you baked last year for Baek’s Christmas party, and he _loves you._ ”

Jongdae doesn’t know why his stomach does an uncomfortable flip at the mention of his partner.

“Gotta give him credit though, he at least tried,” Minseok continues. “Baekhyun and I already knew they’d taste like the remnants of a self-cleaning oven.”

“I’d be careful how I talk to the person making your oh-so-sacred Americano, if I were you,” Jongdae warns. “I am also perfectly capable of _accidentally_ spiking it with laxatives.”

“Fine, fine,” Minseok relents, grimacing. “Anyway, your talents are coffee and hospitality. Mine are baking and punctual deliveries. Together, we form a great partnership.”

“ _Friendship_ ,” Jongdae corrects quickly.

“That too,” Minseok smiles wryly. “Oh! Speaking of Baekhyun, we’re grabbing drinks tomorrow night and you’re joining us. Chanyeol’s coming too, maybe Sehun depending on his shift.”

“Sounds good, text me the info.” It sounds more like a recipe for disaster than anything -- Baekhyun can’t hold his alcohol for shit and Chanyeol will probably end up carrying him home -- but Jongdae can’t turn down the opportunity to let a little loose on a Thursday night.

“Bring Joonmyun along, we haven’t seen him in _ages_ ,” Minseok adds.

Jongdae bites his lip to stop himself from mentioning that even he feels like he hasn’t seen Joonmyun in ages either. Instead he manages a casual, “I’ll see if he’s free.”

“You sound like his secretary or something,” Minseok chuckles, grabbing his to-go americano from where Jongdae has set it on the counter. “Anyway, you’re all set here. Tell Mrs Choi that I baked those with extra love. See you tomorrow.”

Jongdae is left alone with his thoughts once again. He wonders if he’ll even see Joonmyun awake in time to ask him out tomorrow.

 

Pohang always quiets down this time of year. The chill of early fall chases away all of the tourists, while the University students at POSTECH have all gone on self-imposed lock-downs to study for finals.

With the arrival of winter, temperatures have fallen slightly below what most humans would consider comfortable for a half hour walk home. But Jongdae appreciates the quiet of Songdo Beach after a long day of listening to the idle chatter of Cafe Namu. He walks along the beach path, listening to the soothing crashing of the waves against the rocky shore. Occasionally he’ll pass a jogger or family, but for the most part, he’s left alone with his thoughts.

He used to value the contemplative quiet time as a short break between the cafe and the return to his apartment; his little bit of time to himself before he came home to Joonmyun and dinner, and laughter and perhaps a few cuddles while they watched whatever was on television. More often than not these days though, Jongdae returns to an empty apartment and has a couple more hours alone with himself before he eventually crawls into bed alone, only to be joined by Joonmyun well after eleven pm.

Jongdae supposes he doesn’t really need the quiet walks to himself anymore, but old habits are hard to break. Much like the way he still prepares a dinner for two and tunes in to Joonmyun’s favorite nightly news program, hoping in vain that Joonmyun will be home early enough to join him on the couch and chase away the chill of winter with his warmth.

Nowadays, Joonmyun returns home late in the evening. He listens -- half asleep -- to his boyfriend’s exhausted sighs as he undresses himself and crawls into bed. It’s the same routine most nights, one that is complete with a small kiss to the back of his neck and a quiet _“I’m home. Goodnight,_ ” before both fall into dreamland.

It’s an unfortunate routine. The part Jongdae hates the most is that he knows it’s not temporary.

 

 

As usual, Jongdae wakes first in the morning. On weekdays he is responsible for opening the cafe, and he’s always been an early riser.

He lazes in the kitchen after his morning shower, waiting for his coffee to brew. He scrolls through social media updates on his phone, checks the weather and shoots a quick text to his sister about their Christmas plans this year. It’s about the same routine every morning.

Only this morning, he’s startled by a sleepy grumble of “good morning” from the kitchen entryway.

Joonmyun’s hair sticks up wildly in all directions, as he smiles sleepily towards Jongdae. Jongdae returns the smile and notices that Joonmyun is wearing the obnoxiously red Christmas pajamas with reindeers and candy canes that his Grandmother mailed him two years ago.

“You’re up early,” Jongdae remarks, moving to grab a second coffee cup from the cupboard.

Joonmyun smiles shyly, “The bed was cold without you.”

It's moments like this where Jongdae is reminded of the TA he was so infatuated with six years ago. The Joonmyun who always arrived in a rush to his Monday lecture class, shirt messily tucked in, glasses sliding off his nose as he dug out his lecture notes. The man who nervously fiddled with his papers and offered small reassurances at every opportunity. _I know this can be a bit complicated to understand, but I think I can help you all understand the basics._

Jongdae, then a twenty three year old business major, had been so smitten with the nervous TA. What started as an innocent classroom crush soon transitioned into borderline stalking when Jongdae discovered Joonmyun liked to work on his PhD in the campus cafe; the cafe that Baekhyun had dragged him to so he could ogle the lanky barista who was probably ‘totally straight’ -- but that didn’t deter Baekhyun’s obvious ogling.

Baekhyun, noticing Jongdae’s infatuation, had dared him to go and talk to the TA one afternoon and Joonmyun was such an accommodating guy that he not only invited Jongdae to join him for coffee, but offered any tutoring help Jongdae might need in the future. Jongdae didn’t need tutoring, but it was hard to pass up the offer when Joonmyun looked so genuinely excited to be of help to one of his students.

Of course, the weekly tutoring sessions only increased Jongdae’s infatuation with Joonmyun. He liked the way Joonmyun always ordered tea instead of coffee, and the little doodles he left in the margins of his notebooks that he would quickly scribble out when Jongdae noticed them. He liked his laugh and the way he mindlessly twirled his pen through his fingers when he was reading.

Jongdae almost dreaded the end of the semester because it meant the end of his excuses to spend time around Joonmyun under the pretense of studying. His hopeless crush, filled with smiles and delicate banter, would have to come to an end.

However, after the term ended, Jongdae found out the feeling was mutual with a hesitant hand on his thigh in a crowded campus bar.

“Is this… okay?” Joonmyun had whispered, eyes searching Jongdae’s face for any sign of discomfort, disgust.

Jongdae had smiled, nodding and moving his own hand to inconspicuously rub the small of Joonmyun’s back. “Yes.”

Now they share a kitchen, bedroom, an entire apartment. They see each other every day, wake up next to one another. It should be perfect.

But sometimes Jongdae looks at Joonmyun and only sees the past.

“Minseok and the guys are going out tonight, think you’ll be able to take a night off from being important at the university and stop by for a few?” Jongdae asks. If he passes it off like a joke it’ll hurt less when Joonmyun declines.

Joonmyun’s brows knit for a moment. “I would love to, but tonight is the department dinner. Remember?”

Right, the department dinner. Joonmyun is being honored at a university event and he told Jongdae with sad eyes that he didn’t think he could swing an invitation for him since as far as any of his coworkers knew, Jongdae was just his roommate.

_Roommate._

“Oh, right.” Jongdae plays with the corner of his toast that refuses to break off easily.

“I… you know I wish you could be there, right?” Joonmyun asks.

“I know,” Jongdae forces the corners of his lips to curl up. “It’s not your fault you’re important and I’m just your roommate.” The words come out bitter, but he gets it. He _does_. There’s no point in pouting about things he can’t change, and it’s not like Joonmyun is the only one who limits knowledge of their relationship to a close circle of friends.

“You’re so much more than my roommate, and you know it,” Joonmyun reassures. “Please don’t be upset. You know I’d much rather go out with you and our crazy friends than endure another evening of academic pretentiousness.”

“I’m not upset, really. I’m just a little bummed that you can’t come out with us. Baekhyun misses teasing your sweater collection.”

“Hey! You love my sweaters. Don’t think I don’t notice when you snag one and wear it to work.” Joonmyun chides.

“I _do_ love your sweaters, but definitely not for their style,” Jongdae laughs in agreement. “And I only wear them to work because Mrs Choi always compliments them. Your taste has the ahjumma seal of approval.”

“I’ll have to add that to my credentials,” Joonmyun laughs along.

“Speaking of Mrs Choi, I have to run. Sunny won’t be in until three today.” Jongdae rises from his seat. “I’ll see you tonight, maybe? Knowing Baekhyun and Chanyeol I probably won’t be home until after you’ve gone to bed.”

“Wake me up when you get home. Don’t drink too much.” Joonmyun smiles, knowing full well that Jongdae will not heed the warning.

When Jongdae tries to pass Joonmyun in the doorway, there’s a gentle grab to his wrist. He looks up only to be pulled into a tight hug. Joonmyun’s hand fists the back of his work shirt, his nose brushing along the curve of his shoulder.

“Love you,” Joonmyun whispers, placing a small kiss to the curve of Jongdae’s neck before he pulls away, smiling. “Have fun tonight. I’ll be thinking of you.”

 

 

Bongo’s isn’t packed tonight, thankfully. There’s enough of a crowd to maintain a constant hum of conversation in the background, but not too much that Jongdae has to shout over the noise. By the time Jongdae arrives, Minseok and Baekhyun have finished their first round. Baekhyun’s cheeks already tinted a slight shade of pink.

“So, I specifically remember telling Minseok to invite Joonmyun. Why are you here alone?” Baekhyun shouts as Jongdae approaches the table, beer in-hand.

“Department dinner. He’s busy being preened over by everyone over his latest Journal piece,” Jongdae says flatly. He distracts himself with watching the head of his beer deflate rather than meeting Baekhyun’s skeptical stare.

“And you aren’t there to join in the preening _why_?” Baekhyun’s eyes narrow.

“‘ _Roommates_ aren’t exactly allowed to _preen_ at University dinners,” Jongdae sighs.

The judgemental look in Baekhyun’s eyes disappears. He moves a hand to rub Jongdae’s shoulder across the table sympathetically. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean…”

“It’s okay,” Jongdae cuts him off quickly, defensively. “I’m not moping about it. I’m used to it by now.” He doesn’t want Baekhyun’s sympathy tonight. He doesn’t want to think about Joonmyun looking really fucking good in a suit, hair pushed back, while everyone congratulates him and the fact that he isn’t -- can’t be -- there to join in the celebration.

Joonmyun had sent him a silly picture message an hour ago of him all dressed up, and Jongdae had to do everything in his power to stop himself from running out of Cafe Namu to wherever Joonmyun was. It isn’t fair that he can look that nice in a suit, especially without Jongdae there to appreciate it in person.

“You shouldn’t have to be ‘used to it,’” Baekhyun comments under his breath. Baekhyun’s never been as quiet about his orientation as Jongdae is. Though he doesn’t go around proclaiming anything, if someone asks, he answers honestly. He’s lost a few friends in the process, but Baekhyun assures that they weren’t people he needed around anyway.

The moment is broken by the arrival of Chanyeol and Sehun. Sehun still in his work uniform, and Chanyeol attempting to dance to the overhead music as he takes the seat next to Baekhyun.

Chanyeol throws an arm around the shorter’s shoulder and shouts, “Did my favorite Baekhyun miss me?” with a playful sweetness into Baekhyun’s ear.

“You’re disgusting,” Baekhyun grimaces, shoving Chanyeol away only to laugh a second later.

“You love me,” Chanyeol sticks out his tongue.

“In your dreams, Yoda,” Baekhyun huffs, picking up Chanyeol’s beer and taking a generous sip before sticking his tongue out too.

Jongdae has to laugh to himself, remembering their college days when Baekhyun would talk about how unforgivably hot the barista named Chanyeol was. Now, Baekhyun would probably sooner lick his own toes than get in Chanyeol’s pants.

But sometimes there are moments. A flick of an expression in Chanyeol’s eyes when he watches Baekhyun from across the bar, the way his hand clenches into a fist when someone accidentally spills their beer on Baekhyun’s shirt as he pushes his way to the bathroom. A small smile exchanged between the two that neither know he catches.

Sometimes Jongdae wonders. But it isn’t his place to pry.

Instead, he snaps a picture of his idiot friends jokingly downing couples shots of their beer and sends it to Joonmyun.

 

**To: Joonmyun**  
_Bet you wish you were here instead. Chanyeol says noaebang is in order, I’ll sing some ballads in your honor._

 

 

Thanks in part to his mild hangover, Jongdae stirs first the following morning, waking before his alarm and long before Joonmyun needs to begin his day. Joonmyun is wrapped around him from behind, spooning him with his arms loosely holding Jongdae against him.

Jongdae begins to pull away only to feel Joonmyun’s grip around him tighten.

“Stay…” Joonmyun mumbles in his sleep. “Comfortable…. just stay for a minute.”

Jongdae allows himself to be tugged closer, but sleep won’t come back to him. Instead he lays there and wonders why Joonmyun’s grip only seems to be so tight when he’s half asleep. It’s a like a second nature to cling to Jongdae, but is it just an old habit or genuine _want_ that causes him to pull Jongdae closer? To breathe against his nape heavily before placing a small kiss at the beginning of his shoulder. To mumble “I miss you” into his hair.

Jongdae isn’t sure he wants to know the answer. He wonders when thoughts like this, no matter how fogged with sleep they may be, started to pop up in his head.

Joonmyun relinquishes his hold when Jongdae’s alarm eventually goes off. As he pads off to the shower, Jongdae can’t shake the unsettling feeling that the doubts in his relationship have only become more frequent over the past few months.

The less he sees of his partner, the more he doubts. Even Joonmyun’s sleepy smile in the morning, and quiet mumbles of “I love you,” aren’t quite enough to keep the thoughts at bay anymore.

 

 

He inherited Cafe Namu from his Grandfather three years ago.

The cafe caters mostly to middle aged women and housewives who have nothing better to do than gossip their afternoons away in the private tea rooms, but Jongdae doesn’t mind in the least; he smiles and gossips along. He’s always been a people person, and running a cafe is sort of ideal for him. He gets to spend his days caffeinated while chatting away with strangers and friends alike.

He’s not even bothered when the women get to teasing him about being a bachelor forever and nag him about settling down soon before he loses his good looks.

_If only they knew_ , he always thinks to himself.

Sometimes he wants to place his hand on the table, show them his ring, explain that he already _has_ settled down. But it’s not entirely his secret to tell.

Not when Joonmyun is now the chair of Humanities at POSTECH and few people know that they have lived together for three years, been _engaged_ for two. It’s a small price to pay to keep up appearances, but he supposes it’s worth it. Or at least, it was.

 

 

**To: Joonmyun**  
_Grabbing drinks after work tonight with Minseok and Baekhyun. Think you can stop by?_

  
**From: Joonmyun**  
_Department dinner until 8. But I’ll swing by after if you’re still out. Bongos I assume?_  


**To: Joonmyun**   
_You know we don’t stop until after midnight. See you then ;)_

 

Joonmyun does manage to stop by. It’s the first time he’s joined them for a night out in going on three months. Perhaps fortunately, he’d already pre-gamed at his staff dinner and is more than a little chatty when he spots the group of friends in the back corner. Minseok, as expected, spends ample time interrogating Joonmyun about his recent absences. Jongdae does his best to laugh along as Joonmyun nervously rubs the back of his neck and tries to explain that between his latest research project and his job as Chair, he barely has enough time to eat two meals a day, let alone sleep.

He says it with a smile on his face, but Jongdae doesn’t miss the weariness in his eyes.

Before long, Chanyeol shows up and drags Joonmyun out to the makeshift dance floor. Joonmyun willingingly complies because he’s at the point in the evening where he thinks he can dance. In reality, he’s attempting some form of the two step with his bottom lip tucked under his teeth and Jongdae looks on as Joonmyun tries to figure out what to do with his arms. To anyone else it’d probably be embarrassing, but Jongdae still finds it cute.

“You sure know how to pick them,” Baekhyun teases, pointing his glass at Joonmyun.

“I do, don’t I? That’s my man,” Jongdae laughs. It’s nice to be able to claim him in some small way, even if it’s only in front of a select few friends. Joonmyun is _his._ His boyfriend. His fiance. His.

“How are you two doing?” Baekhyun asks cautiously, “You’ve been posting an awful lot of cat videos on Facebook and not nearly enough of Joonmyun looking stupid while he sleeps. It’s strange…”

“We’re…” Jongdae tries to phrase it correctly, “busy? We’re busy. Well, _he’s_ busy.”

Baekhyun hums knowingly, but decides not to pry further.

“Well it’s nice to see him out,” Minseok chimes in. He raises his glass for another round, shaking his head at the spectacle that is Chanyeol and Joonmyun.

Chanyeol and Joonmyun rejoin the table after the song ends, Joonmyun sliding into the seat next to Jongdae and laying a cautious hand atop his thigh. There’s a physical space left between them that Jongdae can feel, a manifestation of the distance that’s accumulated between them in the past few weeks. If anyone else notices, they say nothing.

The rounds keep coming, Joonmyun and Baekhyun getting progressively more wasted. Baekhyun becomes more verbose with each shot, and Joonmyun continues to let loose, unconsciously sliding closer to Jongdae, playing with his hand, the back of his shirt, anything within reach. He laughs into Jongdae’s neck and chills run down his spine. It’s nice, but foreign, to have Joonmyun so openly affectionate. It’s probably the alcohol, but Jongdae is more than willing to bask in the attention while he can get it.

Jongdae isn’t sure how many more rounds pass before Minseok points to a now unconscious Baekhyun asleep against his shoulder and calls it a night. Jongdae is left to tug an unbalanced Joonmyun from his seat to lead him out towards the taxi stand.

“Are you taking me home now?” Joonmyun questions with a mischievous glint in his eyes.

Jongdae smirks, knowing full well what’s on Joonmyun’s mind. Inebriated Joonmyun has always been a little frisky.

 

Joonmyun’s hands begin to wander once they’re safely inside their apartment, and Jongdae willingly lets himself be kissed sloppily for a few minutes. He knows Joonmyun is too drunk for sex to be even a remote possibility this evening, but he’s finally getting some of the intimacy he’s been craving for the past few months. He pours as much built up frustration and longing he can into the kiss while it lasts, returning Joonmyun’s teasing touches with a few not-so-innocent gropes of his own. He bites down on Joonmyun’s lip, _hard_ , tugs at his hair, tries to squeeze in everything he’s been dreaming about every night when they lay in bed together.

He barely manages to lead them towards the bedroom and pull off both their pants with the way Joonmyun is clinging to him -- grabbing at him -- before they tumble into bed. Joonmyun emits a cute giggle before his eyes suddenly flicker with the heaviness of exhaustion.

The fluffy covers act as an instant sedative to a very intoxicated Joonmyun and the kisses stop nearly as quickly as they began, Joonmyun’s lips slowing down but still lingering -- half parted -- against his collarbone. Jongdae can feel Joonmyun’s eyelids flutter shut, tickling the sensitive skin of his neck.

He soothingly runs his fingers through Joonmyun’s hair, lulling him into what appears to be a contented sleep.

It’s only once he thinks Joonmyun’s dozed off that Jongdae finally allows himself to voice a thought that’s been bubbling up inside of him for weeks.

“I’m not happy,” he whispers.

“Mmm?” Joonmyun groans into his neck. Jongdae feels his heart beat heavy in his chest.

“I’m not… happy.” He repeats.

Joonmyun curls closer into him. “Is something up at the cafe?” He slurs.

Every ounce of courage Jongdae had built up crumbles at Joonmyun’s obliviousness.

“The cafe is fine. It’s nothing,” He resigns, rolling himself away from Joonmyun and into the cold part of the sheets. Joonmyun doesn’t follow him.

 

 

 

The doctor’s wives have just taken their leave and Jongdae occupies himself during the lull by washing their used tea glasses.

He hears the door chime. Minseok is a little early today.

“I hope you brought extra cake bars, Mrs Lee is crazy for them and I think she told all the other wives in town…” Jongdae hollers without turning his back.

“I’m afraid I don’t have any cake bars, but they sound great.”

That’s not Minseok’s voice and a chill runs down Jongdae’s spine. He turns.

“Joonmyun?”

Joonmyun looks so out of place standing in the middle of the cafe, like his shoes don’t belong on the hardwood floor and his suit is far too pressed to be only ten feet away from the pile of dirtied mugs in the sink behind the counter.

He shouldn’t be out of place. He’s the one who helped Jongdae paint the walls the deep navy they are now -- helped as much as he could before they engaged in a paint fight that ended up with Jongdae pressed against the wall, blue painting permanently staining the back of his shirt.

Funny how now Joonmyun clashes with the wall like a lime green stain against the deep blue.

“What are you doing here?” Jongdae asks, surprise evident in his tone.

“I thought I’d stop in for lunch…” Joonmyun hesitates, a small crease between his brows. “Is that okay? Are you busy?”

He shouldn’t have to ask. He never had to before.

“No, no, it’s fine.” Jongdae sets down the glass he's drying.

Sunny conveniently chooses that moment to round the corner. She greets Joonmyun with a surprised -- but warm, always warm -- smile.

“Haven’t seen you around here in a while, Joonmyun,” She teases, either completely missing the tension or choosing to ignore it. “Jongdae tells me you’ve been busy. It’s nice to see you.”

Joonmyun rubs his hand nervously against his thigh, “Yeah… it’s been a busy few months.”

“Well, I’ll take over here,” Sunny playfully pushes Jongdae away from behind the counter, winking. “You two lovebirds go have lunch. The yellow room is open.” She whispers to Jongdae, making sure the customers won’t hear.

“So you managed to break free for lunch?” Jongdae asks after they’re seated across from one another.

“Something like that,” Joonmyun smiles and there’s an unfamiliar strain in the curve of his lips. “Since I’m finished with that article for the journal, my schedule’s opened up a bit. It’s been too long since I came by here for lunch. You know I think Namu’s has the best chamomile tea in town.” He winks.

Jongdae knows. That’s why he always makes sure the chamomile tea is well stocked, even if it isn’t his best seller. Instead of speaking, he lets Joonmyun capture his feet below the table, trapping them between his loafers and meeting his gaze to exchange a contented smile. It may just be a small game of footsie, but it’s the most intimate they’ve been in weeks -- at least while fully conscious.

The moment is interrupted by Sunny bringing them tea and cakes and leaving them with a very obvious wink before she slides the door shut.

“I have to go to Seoul this Friday,” Joonmyun says after a few minutes of idle chatter, and Jongdae tugs his feet free. He should have known the surprise visit wasn’t just to make up for the time together they’ve sorely been lacking.

“Oh?”

“Yeah, Yixing and I have been invited to present our paper at SNU. Should be a quick trip.”

“Congratulations,” Jongdae knows how hard Joonmyun -- and his co-worker Yixing -- have worked on their latest research piece. “You still have to let me read it, you know.”

“Of course. As soon as it’s officially published, you’ll get the first copy. Not sure you’ll find it all too interesting, but I welcome any and all feedback.” Joonmyun reclines in his seat to blow on his tea.

“Hey! I took your class all those years ago!”

“And you probably would have slept through most of it if you didn’t think I was so cute,” Joonmyun states with confidence, scrunching his nose teasingly at Jongdae. He really can’t argue with the statement though. He has a better memory of Joonmyun’s selection of button-ups than anything he read in the textbook.

Their lunch is cut short by the ringing of Joonmyun’s cell phone. Following few brief replies of “yes, I understand” and “I’ll be right there,” Joonmyun hangs up and looks to Jongdae with guilt in his eyes.

Jongdae cuts the apologies short with a well-practiced reassuring smile, “It’s okay, you can go ahead. I understand.”

“I’ll see you tonight,” Joonmyun says, leaning across the table to place a quick kiss to his cheek. He places a finger under Jongdae’s chin as he pulls away, pausing for a moment to look at Jongdae with an unreadable expression. As quickly as the look came, it vanishes and Joonmyun takes his leave.

“That was quick,” Sunny points out when Joonmyun carries their still half full tea cups towards the sink.

“Duty calls,” Jongdae shrugs.

 

 

Jongdae doesn’t have a chance to properly see Joonmyun off on Friday morning before he leaves for Seoul. Instead, he places a short note on the counter along with a couple chamomile tea bags and one of Minseok’s esteemed cake bars.

_Safe trip, knock ‘em dead. - Jongdae_

 

 

The time alone over the weekend comes as more of a curse than a blessing. He spends Saturday thinking about renovations for the cafe -- the image of Joonmyun clashing so harshly with the navy walls still engrained in his memory.

He rises early on Sunday and cleans the apartment like always. He remembers when Sunday cleaning used to be a routine for both of them, but now Joonmyun is so exhausted every weekend that he usually opts to let his partner sleep in instead of making him clean the bathroom.

As he puts away the last of the laundry he contemplates when their lives started to run so parallel to one another; Joonmyun waking after Jongdae has left for work, Jongdae asleep before Joonmyun returns home; Joonmyun dining with his prestigious co-workers while Jongdae still hangs out in the same bar he and his friends have frequented for years; both of them doing what they’ve always dreamed of, but doing it on their own instead of together.

Jongdae has never been one for math, but he remembers that two parallel lines are destined to never overlap. Have he and Joonmyun strayed so far from one another that they’ll never fall into sync again?

The apartment feels too big, too empty, for just him and his own company all weekend. In some act of morbid curiosity, he pulls his laptop out and checks apartment listings for smaller places -- studios and apartments intended for a single occupant. He means nothing by it other than a little research, and spends less than five minutes on the page once his initial urge to search in the first place is satisfied.

 

He must have dozed off at some point, because he is awoken an hour and a half later by the opening of the front door.

Joonmyun is still in his business attire and when he catches sight of Jongdae sprawled across the couch he chuckles.

“Welcome home,” Jongdae says sleepily, moving to sit up and place his laptop on the coffee table. “How was the trip?”

“More of the same,” Joonmyun shrugs, “But the presentation went well. I also snagged all the free toiletries from the hotel bathroom, so overall I’d call it a success.”

“Right, because we _need_ more of those.” They’ve racked up quite a collection of hotel samples since Joonmyun’s various business trips began to pick up with the promotion. Jongdae has no idea why Joonmyun is so set on snagging freebees, but he’s always thankful to steal a few and place them in Namu’s bathroom to cut a few expenses.

“You always manage to find a use for them.” Joonmyun moves towards Jongdae, smiling to himself. For a moment it looks like he’ll lean in for a kiss, but instead he changes course at the last minute to sit beside Jongdae.

“I need to pee, be right back,” Jongdae excuses himself quickly, unsettled but not sure why.

When he emerges from the bathroom, he finds Joonmyun peering at the laptop screen, eyebrows scrunched.

“What’s this?” Joonmyun leans over the laptop left on the coffee table. Jongdae doesn’t need to see the screen to know what Joonmyun is asking. “Why are you looking at apartments?”

Jongdae’s hands tighten on the bottom of his shirt. Jongdae doesn’t miss the forced neutrality to Joonmyun’s voice. His eyes look hurt, so hurt.

“Oh that?” Jongdae says casually, hoping to God Joonmyun doesn’t catch the nervous flick of his eyes. “Baekhyun is thinking about moving… I’ve been helping him look for something.”

“Oh,” Joonmyun sighs in relief, “He and Chanyeol finally going to just move in together?”

“Who knows,” Jongdae says, “I never really know what’s going on with them anyway. I think he might actually be thinking about adopting a puppy.”

Thankfully, the discussion of Baekhyun housebreaking a puppy is enough to distract Joonmyun away from the listings on Jongdae’s screen. It’s not exactly a lie either, Baekhyun has been sending him pictures of shelter dogs for the past couple weeks.

After Joonmyun’s unpacked his bags, he pokes his head out of the bedroom doorway.

“Wanna grab dinner at the Old Mill? I have some big news,” He says it shyly, reminding Jongdae of exactly how long it’s been since they had a proper date night.

“Big news?” Jongdae cocks his head.

“Yes,” Joonmyun purses his lips, “But I want to save it for dinner.”

“I was going to run to the grocery store, think we can swing by there first?” Jongdae considers.

“Sure, let me change my pants and we’ll head out?”

 

Joonmyun looks really nice. Not only did he change his pants, but he’s combed his hair back exactly the way Jongdae likes it. Jongdae feels a bit silly strolling the aisles of the store in jeans when Joonmyun looks so put-together next to him.

They’ve just made their way to the baked goods aisle -- Jongdae’s favorite -- when an unfamiliar call for Joonmyun pops up behind them. Jongdae turns to see an equally unfamiliar man approaching them, grocery basket hanging from his arm.

“Yixing!” Joonmyun greets cheerily, “It’s only been a few hours, missing me already?” So _this_ is the Yixing Joonmyun has been mentioning over the past few months. Joonmyun knows nearly all of Jongdae’s friends and colleagues, but Joonmyun’s life inside of POSTECH is mostly a mystery to Jongdae. At this point, he tends to imagine faces of Joonmyun’s colleagues based solely on how pretentious their name and title sounds when Joonmyun says it. Yixing is far younger than Jongdae initially thought, and considerably more handsome.

Yixing approaches with a warm smile, looking between Joonmyun and Jongdae curiously. Joonmyun picks up on the social cue after a couple moments and immediately moves to introduce the two.

“This is my… roommate, Jongdae,” Joonmyun says with a tilt to the words that Jongdae can’t quite decipher. “Jongdae, this the Yixing I just went to Seoul with for the presentation”

Yixing looks between Joonmyun and Jongdae skeptically only for a moment before he breaks into a wide grin and extends his hand. “Nice to meet you. I didn’t know you had a _roommate_ , Joonmyun.”

The words are like a slap in the face. Jongdae had already resigned himself to being known as Joonmyun’s roommate, but to know that in some way he simply doesn’t exist to some people -- who his partner is reasonably professionally close with -- hurts.

Though shock runs through him, he manages to shake Yixing’s hand and mumble out a quiet “Nice to meet you, too.”

“You’re probably sick of seeing me after a whole weekend together,” Yixing comments to Joonmyun jokingly. “And, don’t worry, he’s all free now,” Yixing reassures to Jongdae of the blue, and Jongdae doesn’t know what to make of the remark.

Joonmyun and Jongdae continue to chatter about their weekend in Seoul for a few minutes, and Jongdae forces a smile onto his lips while he pretends to be deciding between chocolate chip cookies or milanos. The words “I didn’t know you had a roommate,” continue to echo in his mind. Frustration mounts with every passing moment and he struggles to maintain his composure. Afterall, Yixing seems like a nice enough guy. He doesn’t want to make a scene in front of one of Joonmyun’s colleagues on their first -- and perhaps only -- meeting.

Jongdae allows himself to snap after Yixing bids them farewell with a warm wave. The package of cookies in his hand denting slightly from the strength of his grip against it over the past few minutes.

“ _Didn’t know you had a roommate?_ ” He accuses.

Joonmyun’s eye’s widen, “It’s not like that...”

“I don’t want to hear it.” Jongdae cuts off stubbornly, tossing the cookies in the cart aggressively. But with his crappy aim, they manage to pass a little more closely to Joonmyun than he intended. “I can’t deal with this right now. I’m going to head home. You can go have dinner or whatever, I need time to think.”

“I’ll go with --”

“Don’t.” Jongdae warns sharply before he turns on his heels and heads towards the exit. He tries to blink away the tears that threaten to fall before he reaches the safety of a taxi.

 

Anger dissipates as he slams the door to the apartment, unconcerned with how far behind him Joonmyun might be trailing. He’s not sure what he’s doing as he pulls an overnight bag from the closet and grabs a couple changes of clothes -- some toiletries and his laptop -- but he feels compelled to do it. He stuffs everything in the bag neatly, before zipping it up and giving their bedroom a final once over for anything he may have missed.

The ring. Small, gold, catches the light just the way Jongdae remembers it doing when it was on his finger. The ring now sits on the nightstand, a millimeter distance from Joonmyun’s.

The small note next to it reads a simple: _I just need some time to think. Please don’t try to find me. I’ll call first. - Jongdae_

Jongdae tugs his bag over his shoulder and closes the door.

 

Being a creature of habit, he finds his way to the Cafe. Sunny smiles warmly, though not without a hint of concern, when she sees him walk through the door.

“What brings you by on a weekend?”

“I’m thinking about doing a little remodeling this week and thought I’d get a head start tonight,” He says as casually as possible.

Once Sunny’s gone and the doors are locked, Jongdae tugs a blanket out from the closet and sets himself up on the uncomfortable decorative couch. His phone is probably dead in his bag by now, but he doesn’t want to deal with what he will find if he plugs it in. Or maybe he’s more scared of what he won’t find. Joonmyun’s always been good with directions after all, but a small part of Jongdae hopes that this time he won’t listen.

He misses the apartment, with its big bed, fluffy quilts and pillows that don’t smell like they’ve been in a cupboard for half a decade. But there’s also a stubbornness in Jongdae that keeps him tossing and turning on the couch. Like he needs to do this, miss home, miss Joonmyun, in order for anything to change.

He’s so used to missing Joonmyun at this point anyway.

 

“You slept here last night?” Sunny asks the next morning, noticing the blanket folded neatly at the end of the couch. There's no accusation in the question, just curiosity.

“Yeah,” Jongdae rubs the back of his neck, working out a kink left over from his curled up position. “I got a little carried away with some remodeling ideas and fell asleep.”

“Don't make a habit of it,” Sunny says with a smile. “We both know how uncomfortable that couch is. Purely decorative.”

“No guarantees. Maybe I’ll add a new couch to the remodeling list. One with a pull out bed.”

It’s only half a joke.

 

 

Baekhyun is one of Jongdae’s best friends for many reasons, one of the most important being his willingness to go get smashed on a weeknight. That’s why Jongdae finds himself back at Bongo’s on Monday night.

They’re one drink in when Baekhyun announces that he’s decided on a puppy from a local shelter. He rambles excitedly about how the puppy will make sure he stays in shape and how Chanyeol has already agreed to shared custody because he’s a sucker for dogs too and Baekhyun could use the help paying for dog food. Another thing he loves about Baekhyun: the man has a commanding way of rambling about anything and everything, so much so that Jongdae temporarily forgets why he’s using Baekhyun as a distraction in the first place.

“So, you and Chanyeol then…?” Jongdae ventures once Baekhyun finally stops for air. “Adopting a puppy together?”

Baekhyun smiles knowingly, “We’re just friends.”

“Even with… you know?” Baekhyun giggles, shaking his head a bit at Jongdae’s suggestion.

“It’s weird,” Baekhyun muses, leaning back, lips pulled into a tight smile, “We love each other, but not that way. Sometimes the loves of your life are platonic, you know? I’m happy having Chanyeol in my life, he feels the same. We can cuddle and laugh and play around together and none of it has to be romantic to be fulfilling. Intimate even. He’s my best friend, and that’s enough. More than enough.”

“But what if?”

“What if what? He suddenly decides he’s attracted to men? What if someday he meets a woman and wants to settle down?” Baekhyun laughs again, “Sometimes I think about that kind of stuff. But then I remember it’s not important. If it happens, we’ll deal with it then -- and I’ll definitely keep the dog. For now, we’re happy just being Chanyeol and Baekhyun: the dynamic drunken duo of terror who live to make Minseok miserable.”

“A hobby you both are incredibly good at.”

“Exactly. Now, what about _you_? I believe you’re the one who called me out for drinks and I don’t think it was to talk about me and Chanyeol.” Baekhyun squints knowingly.

“I… I’m… figuring some things out right now.” Jongdae says, hoping in vain that Baekhyun won’t pry any further. He just wants to drink a bit and not be alone in the cafe, staring at the navy blue walls that only remind him of Joonmyun.

“What does that mean?”

“It means that… Joonmyun and I are… not good. And I decided that maybe we needed some time apart to sort things out.” Verbalizing it makes it feel all the more real. Like there’s a very real possibility that this is the beginning of the end and not some half-thought out temper tantrum that will be resolved with a few kisses and apologies.

“You broke up?” Baekhyun’s eyebrows shoot halfway up his forehead.

“No, not explicitly… though maybe he sees it that way. I don’t know. I haven’t spoken to Joonmyun since yesterday.”

“I know I should probably be more gentle with you, given the circumstances, but _what the hell_?” Baekhyun asks.

“What?”

“Joonmyun loves you. You love him. I know you’ve both been busy lately, but that hardly seems like a reason to end things.”

“I didn’t _end things_. I just… I barely see him ever, you know? Because he has work, and it’s important to him and I don’t want to make him feel bad about doing his job. I mean, I wake up at dawn to go run off to work too. He’s not the only one who is busy. But then, when we finally have a day together, we go to the grocery store and run into a colleague who didn’t even know he had a roommate. Not a boyfriend, or fiance, but a _roommate._ ”

Jongdae finally feels the frustration boiling over into angry tears as Baekhyun rubs soothing circles on his back.

“And I realized that maybe I’m just not a big enough part of his life to even be mentioned in passing to the people he spends all day with. And it hurt, because what if I’m the only one who's missing the other in this relationship?”

“Did you tell Joonmyun that?” Baekhyun asks after a few beats of silence.

“I didn’t quite get that far. I sort of… stormed off.” Jongdae admits, dropping his head a little in shame.

“I don’t think Joonmyun is clueless enough to not know why you are upset. But I also know that if you don’t talk to him about how you’re feeling, you can hardly expect him to know how to help fix it…. He loves you. And he deserves to know what you’re thinking. You can’t just blow up at him and storm out without trying to communicate why you’re hurting first. Even if it’s hard.”

“I know you’re right, but it doesn’t make it easy,” Jongdae says weakly, “I’m just so tired of _trying_. You know?”

“I know,” Baekhyun reassures, pulling Jongdae against his chest and rubbing his head affectionately. “Tell you what. Tonight, I’ll let you drink yourself silly to get it out of your system. Then, when you’re ready, you’re going to talk to Joonmyun. But you can’t make him wait around forever.”

“Deal.”

 

 

It’s been three days since Jongdae last saw Joonmyun at the grocery store and he’s doing his best to forget the confused and pained expression on his face as he walked away. Though he loathes sleeping on the couch of the Cafe, he still hasn’t worked up the courage to go home and the inevitable argument that awaits him there.

With time to think, he realizes that bottling everything up -- pushing Joonmyun way -- probably did as much damage to their relationship as Joonmyun’s absence. He also wonders if perhaps too much damage has already been done on both ends to make it work again.

The walls of the main room of Cafe Namu are now all emerald green. He’d bought the cans of paint impulsively that afternoon, and he might be a little high from the paint fumes, but he thinks they turned out well.

Jongdae likes the change, the color reminds him of the sea, and his grandfather's favorite sweater -- and not of kissing Joonmyun against the still damp navy blue.

He’s just cleaned up the plastic wrap from the floor when he hears the jingle of the door. He hadn’t thought to lock the Cafe since patrons never come after ten PM.

He’s about to inform the customer that unfortunately the Cafe is closed, but his words stop in his throat when he sees a very familiar figure standing in the doorway.

“Joonmyun?”

“I can’t believe you’ve been sleeping in the cafe, everyone knows that couch is purely decorative.”

Jongdae manages to chuckle. “Sunny said the same thing.”

“I like the green.” Joonmyun shuffles his weight a little, looking around with his lips pursed in thought.

“It felt like time for a change.” Jongdae shrugs.

“I know you said to give you time, and I tried but I… “ He looks like he wants to step closer, but he’s holding himself back. “Are you alright?” Joonmyun asks suddenly.

“I mean, I’ve got a slight cramp in my neck but it’s nothing horrible,” Jongdae says with feigned casualness that doesn’t even fool himself.

“I wasn’t talking about the couch, and you know it.” Joonmyun exhales loudly. “I’m worried about _you_. The last time I saw you, you nearly threw a pack of cookies at my head and walked away. I’ve been so worried, and even though I _knew_ where you were, waiting for you to come home was too hard. I tried to call, but you turned your phone off...” Joonmyun’s voice raises with each sentence, and Jongdae can see how exhausted he is.

“I… just needed to clear my head. Think about things.” Jongdae manages.

“Jongdae…” Joonmyun begins, “I know you’re upset with me, and that things between us aren’t perfect right now, but why would you think just walking away from everything -- sleeping in your cafe -- would make it any better?”

“I tried to talk to you, but you’ve been so _busy_. Everything is work, work and more work and how am I supposed to tell you I’m not happy when you’re doing everything you’ve dreamed of?” Jongdae bites back, relieved to finally get the words of his chest, but terrified of the consequences. They need to have this conversation, and he knows that running out was his way of avoiding it. But now Joonmyun is here, looking as beat up as Jongdae feels, and he knows he can’t run this time.

“You’re part of that dream too, you know.” Joonmyun says quietly after a moment.

“I don’t know how to fix it either,” Jongdae continues. “I miss you. _So much._ But I… don’t know how to not be upset when you introduce me to people as your roommate, or when I see you for maybe thirty minutes a day. I don’t know if I can keep trying to make things work when it feels like I’m the only one hurting.”

“I miss you too. I’ve _missed_ you for months now. When I saw those apartment listings on your computer, I… I panicked. I know they weren’t for Baekhyun, but I couldn’t believe you would do something like that without at least trying to talk to me. ”

Jongdae doesn’t know how to respond, so he lets Joonmyun continue.

“I… I love you. So much. You can leave, you have free will of course and if you’re not happy then I don’t deserve you. But I want you, Jongdae. I want to see you happy. I want to be the one who _makes_ you happy. That’s why...”

“That’s why what?” Jongdae cuts in, not ready for more excuses but hoping that Joonmyun will have something better to say than just that he’ll try harder.

“See? This is the same thing that happened on Sunday night. You wouldn’t let me finish, like you’d already given up on me, on _us_. I had everything all planned out too…”

“Planned out?”

“I told you I had big news, right?” Joonmyun smiles weakly, “Well, I’d been thinking for a few months now that maybe being the Chair of the department isn’t for me. I like _teaching_ not university politics and bureaucracy… and now that my research was published, it seemed like a good time to step down. Go back to what I actually like to do. That’s what I was going to tell you on Sunday: That I miss you. That things are going to change for us. But you stormed off before I could even open the wine to celebrate.”

“You quit your job?” Jongdae cuts in, tone accusatory. That’s not what he wanted at all.

“I didn’t quit,” Joonmyun jumps in quickly, shaking his head. “I resigned as _Chair._ I’m still a full-time professor. Truth be told, I didn’t like being Chair all that much. It was time consuming, I never go to actually teach… I was losing you…”

“But, you…” Jongdae doesn’t have much fight left in him. Not when Joonmyun looks two seconds away from crumbling right there.

“I made this decision on my own, and not just for you,” Joonmyun defends stubbornly. “Though you were a huge part of it. I’m not resentful of you for helping me make the right decision…. I love you, and I gave you that ring because I want you to be part of my future. A future without you, no matter how esteemed by job title would have been, wouldn’t be worth it. And you… you left. You walked away and didn’t turn back, I was so afraid that I was a week too late…”

As he rambles, tears pool in Joonmyun’s eyes, and Jongdae isn’t fairing much better. He can’t hold himself back any longer and crosses the little distance between them to pull Joonmyun into a tight embrace. Joonmyun finally crumbles in his arms, all his weight falling into Jongdae.

“Please come home,” Joonmyun whispers against the curve of his neck, fingers digging into Jongdae’s sweater and pulling him even closer. For the first time in what feels like ages, Jongdae feels secure in the embrace. He’s missed this.

“Okay,” he whispers back. He reaches to grab Joonmyun’s hand, and is surprised by the cool sensation of metal against his palm. Joonmyun is wearing his ring.

“I’m sorry.”

“Me too.”

 

 

The air is tense when they return to the apartment an hour later, but it doesn’t stop Jongdae from breathing a huge sigh of relief at finally being _home._ He turns to Joonmyun who is toeing off his shoes in the entryway and gives a reassuring smile.

It’s his turn to make a few promises of his own, and the first one involves retrieving his ring from the nightstand. However, he’s surprised to discover that it isn’t where he left it.

“You looking for this?” Joonmyun voices from the doorway behind him moments later. Jongdae turns and sees Joonmyun holding a shiny bit of gold metal between his fingers.

He nods.

“I brought it with me. I planned on giving it back to you in some grand gesture, but I kind of got sidetracked when you kissed me.” Joonmyun’s smile stretches across his face. “It was a good kind of distraction though, and I’m not complaining.”

Feeling a little playful, Jongdae asks, “And what would you have done if I said no?”

It’s the same question he’d asked after Joonmyun had proposed, and Joonmyun doesn’t miss the reference. He smiles back sheepishly, “I don’t know. I’d probably toss the damned thing into the ocean or something….”

“That’s a bit dramatic,” Jongdae chides.

“So is throwing a box of cookies at me before running out of a grocery store, but that’s kind of what I signed up for when I proposed to you.”

“Fair point.” Jongdae laughs, realizing exactly how childish his little tantrum must have been. No matter how valid the emotions behind it. “But now that I’m home, can I have it back? It’s kind of important to me. How else will Mrs. Lee know that I can’t marry her daughter because I’m already taken?”

Joonmyun rolls his eyes before approaching Jongdae, taking his left hand and sliding the ring back onto his ring finger where it belongs. He covers Jongdae’s hand with his own, and smiles as he rubs his thumb over the matching metal bands. “Well, we definitely can’t have you married off to someone else.”

“Rest assured, I don’t plan to be.” Jongdae places a quick peck to Joonmyun’s lips. It’s still awkward and far from perfect after months of emotional distance, but the infatuated expression in Joonmyun’s eyes once he pulls away is all the reassurance he needs to know that it’ll be okay.

They’ll be okay.

* * *


End file.
